I generally like fruit. In fact it might be my favorite food group. That or ‘brunch’ foods. Which I realize isn’t technically a food group and might sound like cheating because it entails the awesomeness of both breakfast skillets and sandwiches, but I really don’t care. I’m sorry, I’m not sorry.
Ideal food pyramid structure. Time to update, FDA.
But there is one fruit in particular that I have to have two of each day: The banana. The sweet fruit that carries with it more conflict than that $10,000 blood diamond encrusted engagement ring that you insisted was ‘conflict free’ when your naggy girlfriend asked about it, who now brags to all of her friends about what a humanitarian you are.
Didn’t you see ‘Liar, Liar’?
Seriously though, bananas are blood ridden. But to sleep at night, I like to live in a bubble of ignorance where I have no idea where the products that I like the most come from.
But the blood bananas taste so yummy!!
Aside from blood though, bananas are an extremely delicate fruit. Eat it when it’s too green, and you need to enlist ‘The Hulk’ to peel it…
AHHHHH!!!! YOU”VE MADE ME ANGRY!!!!
… only to have it taste like a bitter shit stick once you take a bite. Eat it when it’s too brown, and it’s mushy and makes you feel like you’re eating that disgusting baby food that your mom jammed down your throat for so many years.
Did I say years? I meant um… months.
Ok, so I had sensitive teeth.
Yes, I used Sensodyne.
Yes, I know it’s terrible.
Yes, I wish I could have used Crest! AHHHH!
But let’s get back to my original rant.
When perfectly ripe and perfectly yellow, eating a banana can be an extremely pleasurable experience.
This time minus the blood.
But there is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand. One thing so grotesque that it is completely capable of destroying my attitude for the entire day. And every so often, you get a banana that is somehow intentionally out to get you.
The culprit? Those little stringy things that you can’t really categorize as either ‘banana’ or ‘banana peel’.
There is nothing worse than peeling a banana and having one of those stringy things slap onto the top of your hand right before you were about to take a delicious bite. Where the hell did this come from? Why does it have to dangle on my hand like that? Why does this only happen with certain bananas?
Do I eat them? Are they safe to eat? I know just as well as everyone else that you are supposed to eat the banana, and not the peel. But this is some sort of evil hybrid, hell bent on tricking you into making the wrong decision.
What’s more is that if you do decide to eat them, they are distasteful and have a terrible texture. They’re all… gooey and stuff. It’s the same feeling I get when I eat tapioca pudding.
Dear Tapioca Pudding,
Let me enjoy my creamy pudding in peace. Stop making me rub my tongue on little gross balls inside my treat. God damn you tapioca pudding!
And why do the stringies never quite line up with where they were peeled? It’s like they came out of nowhere. It’s like an unsolvable jigsaw puzzle with pieces that don’t align, except this time the icky stringy things are now touching your hand, which is like a slimy earthworm that is oozing its moist body all over you.
I officially no longer want to eat this banana. You have made me detest the treat I once loved so much. Today I will retreat in cowardice, stringy things. Today.
This is not over.
So thank you little stringy banana (peel?) things, you win. I can no longer eat the delicious banana where you came from. You have completely ruined my day. Go fuck yourself banana stringy thing.