Bryan and Ryan Explain the World

Feb 17
Doodle of the Day – Mermadragon vs. Scorpigator
It’s like Alien vs. Predator. Except it doesn’t blow.

Doodle of the Day – Mermadragon vs. Scorpigator

It’s like Alien vs. Predator. Except it doesn’t blow.

Feb 16

Why No One Likes You, Home-Schooled Kid

Fact: No one likes home-schooled kids.

I mean no one.

Don’t even try to tell me that you’ve ever heard anyone say, “My lifelong home-schooled friend is a ragingly successful scuba diving neurosurgeon!” Because then you sir, would be a liar. 

That is unless you are either a) Part of the home school kid collective or b) You are your own best (home-schooled) friend.

To break it down even further for you, here’s my top 3 reasons why I can’t stand you:

3. You Engage Elders/Superiors on a Peer to Peer Basis.

This is a big one for me. Since ‘Mama Bear’ didn’t want her cub away from the den for more than the average school day (variable by country), you have had little to no contact with figures of authority. Subsequently, the few encounters you have had with non-peers (the senile grandma at the grocery if you will) have been mitigated  by mom. That’s right, mama bear mitigation.

This has left you with a complete lack of hierarchy in which to frame social interaction. It’s astonishing how fucking annoying this is.

throw me the rock bro!!11!!1

                Throw me the rock, bro!!!

2.You Still Wear L.A. Gear and/or Scrunchies.

Without a high school experience you have been robbed of an extremely important feedback system. Namely, public ridicule. Left to your own misguided fashion devices you continue to rock outfits from the first season of Friends. It’s no doubt you still shop at Target. 

The saddest part of this truth is that you have no idea you are suffering for your art.

Hipsters loathe you.

1. Ultimately You Are a Bizarre-O Mini-Iteration of Your Equally Strange (Sometimes Full-Sized) Parent(s).

You are a victim. It doesn’t make us any less uncomfortable to be around you and it pains me to admit it, but you are the victim. It’s not your fault your father is an ego-maniacal ‘life-time learner’ that would have finished his PhD if he wasn’t this guy (props to http://toothpastefordinner.com). Your mother is just trying to do the best for you by teaching you advanced calculus, a subject that was literally invented by a genius for other geniuses. The FUBU of math. Yeah, I went there.

So it’s really only natural that you’d turn out like this.

Just remember, It’s not your fault.  :) 

Feb 10
Doodle of the Day – Mermadragon
Looks like Ariel pulled the goalie on Bowser. Maybe she thought offspring with firebreathing power would be better than offspring with a mediocre singing voice. 

Doodle of the Day – Mermadragon

Looks like Ariel pulled the goalie on Bowser. Maybe she thought offspring with firebreathing power would be better than offspring with a mediocre singing voice

Feb 08
Doodle of the Day – The Scorpigator. 
The Scorpigator doesn’t take shit from anyone. He guards treasure and will kill you in several different ways if you tempt him. For god’s sake, he has lobster claws, a scorpion tail, and alligator jaws. Do you seriously think that you can thwart him with medieval armor and a bow and arrow?
You’re an idiot. 
B: Ah. The legendary Scoepigator
B:  Scoe? Jesus.  
R:  Close.  
B:  I’m actually under the effects of Scorpigator neurotoxin. Slowly losing typing/texting ability until you have to use that ladybug phone for seniors.

Doodle of the Day – The Scorpigator. 

The Scorpigator doesn’t take shit from anyone. He guards treasure and will kill you in several different ways if you tempt him. For god’s sake, he has lobster claws, a scorpion tail, and alligator jaws. Do you seriously think that you can thwart him with medieval armor and a bow and arrow?

You’re an idiot. 

B: Ah. The legendary Scoepigator

B:  Scoe? Jesus.  

R:  Close.  

B:  I’m actually under the effects of Scorpigator neurotoxin. Slowly losing typing/texting ability until you have to use that ladybug phone for seniors.

Feb 07

Why You Should Never Try to Pee While Driving

With all of the hype lately from anti-texting advertising campaigns and anti-texting laws going into effect, we thought that a much more important message about distracted driving was getting lost in the wayside.

Peeing and driving.

In our opinion, peeing is the absolute worst, albeit fun, thing to attempt while trying to control a vehicle and maintain any sort of speed on a public road. We absolutely in no way are condoning this activity, and more importantly we would like to illustrate why you shouldn’t ever attempt this. Because every outcome literally ends with piss… everywhere. All over yourself. Most likely with some blood, too. 

Here are all of the possible outcomes:

1. Leg out the window -> Leg chopped off by oncoming traffic -> Pee and bleed all over yourself

2. Pee in can -> Slice penis ->Pee and bleed all over yourself

3. Pee in bottle -> Fill bottle to top -> Overflow ->Pee all over yourself

4. Unbuckle seatbelt ->Try to pee out window ->Crash car ->Pee and bleed all over yourself (plus, in addition to the pee, death is highly likely in this scenario)

Here’s a quick graphic to depict what we’re talking about…

So, yeah.

And if you’re a woman… I have no idea. Pee your pants.

Jan 25

Doodle of the Day – Illusion vs. Reality

Jan 19
Doodle of the Day – Totally that boss from the ninja turtles video game… 
Bryan: BAXTER FLYMAN
Ryan: You would know that. Anyway, let’s post it.
Bryan: I don’t have much to say about it, but Baxter was literally the inspiration for it.
Ryan: Well then I actually put the right caption on a drawing, and for once in your life you actually drew something you intended to.
Bryan: I should be offended… but that is accurate.
Ryan: Zing!
Bryan: Are you texting through your Android?
Ryan: Yes.
Bryan: You would. 

Doodle of the Day – Totally that boss from the ninja turtles video game… 

Bryan: BAXTER FLYMAN

Ryan: You would know that. Anyway, let’s post it.

Bryan: I don’t have much to say about it, but Baxter was literally the inspiration for it.

Ryan: Well then I actually put the right caption on a drawing, and for once in your life you actually drew something you intended to.

Bryan: I should be offended… but that is accurate.

Ryan: Zing!

Bryan: Are you texting through your Android?

Ryan: Yes.

Bryan: You would. 

Jan 17

Why Those Extra String Things on Bananas Are the Worst

I generally like fruit. In fact it might be my favorite food group. That or ‘brunch’ foods. Which I realize isn’t technically a food group and might sound like cheating because it entails the awesomeness of both breakfast skillets and sandwiches, but I really don’t care. I’m sorry, I’m not sorry.

                        Ideal food pyramid structure. Time to update, FDA. 

But there is one fruit in particular that I have to have two of each day: The banana. The sweet fruit that carries with it more conflict than that $10,000 blood diamond encrusted engagement ring that you insisted was ‘conflict free’ when your naggy girlfriend asked about it, who now brags to all of her friends about what a humanitarian you are.

… asshole.


Didn’t you see ‘Liar, Liar’?

Seriously though, bananas are blood ridden. But to sleep at night, I like to live in a bubble of ignorance where I have no idea where the products that I like the most come from.

 

                                           But the blood bananas taste so yummy!! 

Aside from blood though, bananas are an extremely delicate fruit. Eat it when it’s too green, and you need to enlist ‘The Hulk’ to peel it…

                              AHHHHH!!!! YOU”VE MADE ME ANGRY!!!!

… only to have it taste like a bitter shit stick once you take a bite. Eat it when it’s too brown, and it’s mushy and makes you feel like you’re eating that disgusting baby food that your mom jammed down your throat for so many years.

Did I say years? I meant um… months.

Ok, so I had sensitive teeth.

Yes, I used Sensodyne.

Yes, I know it’s terrible.

Yes, I wish I could have used Crest! AHHHH!

But let’s get back to my original rant.

When perfectly ripe and perfectly yellow, eating a banana can be an extremely pleasurable experience.

 

                                                         This time minus the blood. 

But there is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand. One thing so grotesque that it is completely capable of destroying my attitude for the entire day. And every so often, you get a banana that is somehow intentionally out to get you.

The culprit? Those little stringy things that you can’t really categorize as either ‘banana’ or ‘banana peel’.

                                                            Pictured: Gross.

There is nothing worse than peeling a banana and having one of those stringy things slap onto the top of your hand right before you were about to take a delicious bite. Where the hell did this come from? Why does it have to dangle on my hand like that? Why does this only happen with certain bananas?

Do I eat them? Are they safe to eat? I know just as well as everyone else that you are supposed to eat the banana, and not the peel. But this is some sort of evil hybrid, hell bent on tricking you into making the wrong decision. 

What’s more is that if you do decide to eat them, they are distasteful and have a terrible texture. They’re all… gooey and stuff. It’s the same feeling I get when I eat tapioca pudding.

 


 Dear Tapioca Pudding,

Let me enjoy my creamy pudding in peace. Stop making me rub my tongue on little gross balls inside my treat. God damn you tapioca pudding!

Sincerely,

Everyone, everywhere.

 

And why do the stringies never quite line up with where they were peeled? It’s like they came out of nowhere. It’s like an unsolvable jigsaw puzzle with pieces that don’t align, except this time the icky stringy things are now touching your hand, which is like a slimy earthworm that is oozing its moist body all over you.

I officially no longer want to eat this banana. You have made me detest the treat I once loved so much. Today I will retreat in cowardice, stringy things. Today.

                                This is not over.

So thank you little stringy banana (peel?) things, you win. I can no longer eat the delicious banana where you came from. You have completely ruined my day. Go fuck yourself banana stringy thing.

Jan 13

Medical Weight Loss Clinic: From Fat to… Well… Slightly Less Fat

I was recently sitting around watching the standard late night television debauchery, when a commercial for Medical Weight Loss Clinic came on. Now, everyone has seen piss poor weight loss commercials before… but this one takes the cake. Which is what I’m sure everyone who actually thought that this would work, was jamming into their gaping faces while they were watching it. But it’s ok, they puked it back up. Haha, ok not really… but seriously. 

                                          ”You mean they don’t all drive Jazzy’s?”

Listen here weight loss “marketer extraordinaire”, if you are going to try and sell me some bullshit weight loss solution, at least hit me with some testimonials that make it look like your methods actually work. I mean even though I know it is a complete joke, I at least respect Hydroxycut’s half-ass attempt to deceive with minimal effort through before and after shots that show an extremely overweight individual magically transform (via photoshop no doubt) into a supermodel with rippling muscles within a few short weeks. 

Medical Weight Loss does no such thing. They don’t even try to fabricate the results in any way. Really, Medical Weight Loss? Where have you been? America wants to be lied to. It’s the core principal that keeps us mindlessly consuming absolutely everything that is advertised on a blue-screen at 2 a.m. with some kind of “4 EZ Payments!” call to action included. 

The before and after shots from this ad looked like what someone looks like pre- and post-using a urinal. I mean seriously, it looks like maybe these people lost all of two pounds. In months of paying for medical weight loss!? Were they about to be screened for a drug test? Did somebody just drink an entire Hulk mug full of Slurpee and then pee it right back out?? (Which I sincerely hope was full of a mix of blue raspberry, cherry, white mystery, and whatever sour flavor they have on tap, because that is the only correct way to have a slurpee)

Ok. Maybe I am just being cynical and exaggerating. Maybe these people have actually lost a good deal of weight and kept it off. Kudos to them, honestly. All I’m saying is that maybe instead of the jingle at the end proudly claiming, “At Medical Weight Loss, it’s a shape of things to come”, they should rather, in keeping with their accurate portrayals of attainable weight loss, proclaim mediocrity with a cheery:

“Medical Weight Loss. Still chubby, just a little less chubby.”

I’m just sayin’. 

Jan 10
Doodle of the Day – Danny Devito’s Arm? Or Werewolf Transformation in Progress?
Bryan:  It looks like Danny Devito slayed a bird or it’s a post-Hook Robin Williams
Ryan:  Haha yeah it does. Who is better?
Bryan:  Better in life or better at being hairy?
Ryan:  Both.
Bryan:  I’m goin Robin Williams. Best male performance until Bill Pullman in ID4

Doodle of the Day – Danny Devito’s Arm? Or Werewolf Transformation in Progress?

Bryan It looks like Danny Devito slayed a bird or it’s a post-Hook Robin Williams

Ryan Haha yeah it does. Who is better?

Bryan Better in life or better at being hairy?

Ryan Both.

Bryan I’m goin Robin Williams. Best male performance until Bill Pullman in ID4